We All Have Our Reasons
by Lauren779
Summary: There is a reason why Dawson doesn't like Clarice. There is a reason why Shay can't let go. Takes place after 1x04.
1. Author's Note

**WE ALL HAVE OUR REASONS:**

**SUMMARY:** There is a reason why Dawson doesn't like Clarice. There is a reason why Shay can't let go.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** So, you can skip this part if you like, but the neurotic part of me would not let me post this without explaining the concept of this story, because I have never written a story like this before (I apologize for this).

I split this story up into two parts: Part One is Dawson, and Part Two is Shay. This fic takes place after 1x04, and it is based loosely off the time frame of what Shiri Appleby (Clarice) had said in an interview to US Weekly that can be found on Youtube.

Since I like to add things that aren't there to any story I write, this one is no exception either. Some of it falls within the continuity of the show; some of it is my own interpretation. Enjoy!


	2. Part I

**PART I**

"_I'm sorry, but I am not going to pretend like I don't remember peeling you off the floor after that woman broke your heart." _

* * *

THERE is a reason why Dawson didn't like Clarice, but it isn't for the same reason the men in Firehouse 51 didn't like her. Sure, Clarice's personality was…colourful…to say the least, and she did have a 'better than thou' attitude that had rubbed some of the guys the wrong way, but in all honesty, Dawson could forgive those less than favorable traits because she knew when Clarice was with Shay, she was a different, and maybe even, a better person.

When Ambulance 61 had gotten a call to attend to a hand laceration, the only thing Dawson expected to see was some blood. But when one of the women, who was attending the baby shower, asked if they could take a look at the mom-to-be, who felt dizzy after seeing the blood, the last thing she ever thought this call would end up being was a disaster. She had only caught a glimpse of a very pregnant Clarice, before she quickly walked back out, but it was enough to see that this was not going to end well.

"You're not going to believe this," Dawson had said once she was standing in the doorframe that led into the kitchen. She had debated what she was going to tell Shay, but nothing seemed appropriate, so instead, once Shay was done mending the hired Chef's hand, she led her to the living room, and watched as the colour had drained from Shay's face. Dawson would have been lying to herself if, in that moment, she had said she didn't feel angry at that woman for what she had done to Shay.

No. There was another reason why Dawson didn't like Clarice. It was a reason that not even the guys knew about. It was a reason that sometimes haunted her dreams at night.

* * *

_**OVER A YEAR AGO**_

_DAWSON stood in front of Shay's apartment door with a brown paper bag full of groceries in her arms. It had been exactly two weeks and five days since Clarice had unexpectedly up-and left her three-year, long term, relationship with Shay, shattering her best-friend's heart. In that time, Shay had been an understandable wreck, and while although she had respected Shay's request for privacy, when she noticed how thin her friend had gotten from not eating, she blatantly told Shay that after work on Friday night, she was inviting herself over to cook dinner, watch crappy movies, and have a good cry together, so her friend could come back to work. After all, Ambulance 61 just wasn't the same without Shay. _

_ "Shay, it's me. Open up." Dawson called out. After no response, Dawson added, "Come on. My cooking is not that bad. I swear. I even got us ice cream, your favourite kind too." _

_ There was nothing but silence, even after Dawson knocked on the door. "Leslie Elizabeth Shay, open this door right now. I am not leaving." _

_ A moment passed, and Dawson just frowned as she shifted the bag of groceries in her hands to reach for her keys. "Fine then, I am just going to have to use the spare key you gave me. Bet you forgot about that one." _

_ Dawson opened the apartment door to be greeted by darkness. The sun had gone down hours ago, and in that time, Shay had neglected to turn on a single light. Dawson, with her hands full, sighed as she fumbled for a light. After she turned it on, the first thing she noticed was an empty bottle of tequila on the floor, with a small pool of the remaining drops surrounding it. _

_ Her eyes then caught a glimpse of something else, and they widened in horror. By the coffee table, on the living room floor, face down, and unmoving, was Shay. Dawson could feel the heat escape from her body, and everything inside her felt cold. She stood there, with the bag still in her hand, frozen. _

_ "Shay!" Dawson finally shouted, dropping the bag to the floor, causing the contents to fall out, as she rushed over to her friend. "Oh God," Dawson said to herself as she kneeled down and tried to rouse Shay by shaking her. She noticed there was blood in Shay's blonde hair, and she moved a lock of hair to reveal a gash on the side of her head. Dawson quickly glanced at the coffee table, and noticed there was some blood on the corner._

_ "Shit," Dawson said as she tried to find Shay's pulse. Her heart was beating so loud and fast, that she didn't know if she was hearing her own heart beat, or Shay's. She gently turned Shay over on her back, and was relieved to see that Shay was indeed breathing. She then looked for signs of alcohol poisoning. She didn't see any vomit on the floor, or any other visible symptoms such as discolored skin, but the head gash, and being unable to wake up Shay was bothering her. _

_She had just gotten up, and was making her way toward the phone when she heard moaning. She turned around and noticed that Shay was beginning to stir awake. _

"_Leslie," Dawson said as she watched her friend take in her surroundings. _

_After a few moments of getting herself together, Shay said, "Dawson? What are you…what are you doing here?" She put her hand to her head and when she removed it, she noticed the blood. _

_Dawson put her hand out and helped Shay up. Leading her toward the couch she asked, "How are you feeling? Dizzy? Nauseous?" _

"_Hung over," Shay answered once she was seated. She put her hand back up to her head, and noticed Dawson was making her way toward the phone. "What are you doing?" _

"_Calling an ambulance," Dawson answered. _

"_No. Don't. I'm fine." _

_Dawson turned around to face Shay. "This isn't up for debate, Leslie." _

"_I don't need one." _

"_You are bleeding, and could possibly have a concussion." _

"_I don't have a concussion." _

"_You, nor I, are in the position to make that claim."_

"_I'm fine." _

"_You can say that all you like." _

"_I'm refusing care," Shay added. _

"_Does it look like I care?" _

_Shay could tell Dawson was angry. "It doesn't matter. When they come, I can turn them away. Don't waste their time."_

_ "Fine. Then I am taking you." Dawson pulled out her car keys from her pocket. _

_ "I appreciate your concern, Gabriela, but I am not going. I'm fine." _

_ Dawson half-laughed. "Concern? You think I am concerned? Leslie, when I came in and saw you on the floor, you know what I thought?" Dawson could see the blank expression in Shay's face. Her voice cracked as she continued, "I thought you were dead. I froze, Shay. I forgot everything I knew because in that moment, I thought I had lost my best friend." _

_ Shay hadn't realized that. _

_ "I was fucking scared, Shay. So, excuse me if I seem jumpy." _

_ After a moment of silence, Shay said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just…" Shay took a deep breath. "Clarice is my emergency contact." _

_ At first Dawson didn't understand what Shay meant, and what this had to do with her current situation, or anything involving it, but she wasn't going to interrupt. _

_ Shay's voice started to waver, and her body started to shake slightly. "Clarice was my everything." _

_ Dawson's face softened as she watched her friend start to sob. Against her better judgment she made her way back to the couch and sat beside her friend, embracing her in her arms. She just sat there, holding her, without ever saying a word. _

_ When the sobs started to soften, Dawson said, "At least let me clean you up." _

_ Shay nodded her head, and after a tight squeeze, Dawson got up and went into the bathroom, when she came back she had a first aid kit in her hand. _

_ Kneeling in front of Shay, Dawson examined the wound. _

_ "Does it need stitches?" _

_ "It's not that deep." She began to clean it. "But what happened? Did you drink that whole bottle of tequila?" _

_ "I have been drinking that bottle for the past week," Shay answered. She saw the worried look in Dawson's eyes. "I had a couple of shots earlier, and I guess with everything and not eating…I just passed out and hit my head." _

_ Dawson didn't have to say anything; Shay already knew what she was thinking. _

_ "I know what you are thinking, that I can't be doing this, and you are right. It's just everything hurts. Everything. I thought I was having a heart attack because chest constantly hurts and I don't know why. I can't sleep. I haven't slept in our bed since she left. Everything in this goddamn place reminds me of her. I spend my days crying, and I drink just to stop hurting and I just…I just miss her so much." _

_ "I know," Dawson said. It was the only thing she could say. "I know." _

* * *

SOMETIMES Dawson would have this reoccurring dream, where it would be back to that day, and she would enter Shay's apartment. Everything would be the same, from her fumbling with the light, to seeing the tequila bottle on the floor, to finding Shay on the ground, and to dropping the groceries. Except after that, her dream would turn into a nightmare, because in her dream, Shay would not be breathing, and she would be giving her CPR until Casey had to come and pull her off, while telling her to stop, because she was dead, and her screaming otherwise.

She hated that dream.

That was why she had to remind Shay that calling Clarice for her Blues Records back, was a bad idea, and that it would only lead to more heartbreak.

There was a reason why Dawson didn't like Clarice. It wasn't because of her personality, or even the fact that not only did she break her friends heart, but she also destroyed it. No. The reason was, for an honest moment, when Dawson saw Shay lying motionless on the floor, she had thought Clarice had, in avertedly, killed her friend.

And that feeling still haunted her to this day.


	3. Part II

**PART II**

"_I just always thought she was the one."_

* * *

THERE is a reason why Shay can't let go. That reason has made her appear as if she has commitment issues, and Dawson constantly calls her out on that. For the most part, however, Dawson was half right. She would be lying to herself if she said she wasn't afraid to take a relationship further then the first date. In fact, she was terrified. Any sane person would have told her that she shouldn't let the past dictate her future, and normally she would agree. But a part of her had always hoped, that in spite of everything, Clarice would come back into her life. She had dreamt of a million different ways on how they could be reunited. Walking down the street. Grocery shopping. The mall. Movie theatre. Pride Parade. Stuck elevator…and many more. In all her possible scenarios, she never once imagined that a hand laceration at a baby shower would be the reason the two of them would be in the same room again. When Dawson said she wouldn't believe it, well, she really couldn't.

Seeing Clarice again had brought up a lot of emotions and memories Shay had tried really hard to forget. But the worst feeling in the world was when she realized that the baby shower they had been called to was Clarice's, and her ex-girlfriend was indeed very pregnant and married.

Shay knew Dawson was not okay with her putting Clarice in the back of their rig. Dawson was not subtle. If something bothered her, it was known. She knew how Dawson felt about Clarice, only because she knew how badly the break up had affected her.

That night, after coming home from the Strip Club with Severide—his idea to cheer her up, she headed into her bedroom and closed the door. Halloween was supposed to be a night to enjoy herself and party, and yet her mind had kept floating back to Clarice.

Opening her closet door, she took out a medium sized silver box that had a combination lock on it, and then placed it on her bed. She then pulled out Clarice's phone number that she still had in her pocket, and looked at it as she sat down on her bed. In hindsight, Dawson was probably right to stop her from calling Clarice (why she gave her her number, she didn't quite understand), but it was more than just getting her records back. She wanted her heart back too.

Picking up the box, she entered the combination and opened it. Inside there were photos of her and Clarice. She gently picked up the pictures and looked through them as a sad smile came across her face.

In one of the pictures, they are both covered in flour, and laughing hysterically. Shay remembered how and when this picture was taken so vividly. Clarice decided, that on their one year anniversary, she would make a cake. Having never seen her in the kitchen before, Shay had taken it upon herself to document this rare occasion. She had put the self-timer on the camera, wanting to get into one of the shots, but she had said something which caused Clarice to throw flour at her, and then she threw flour back, until they were both covered in flour in a matter of 30 seconds and laughing hysterically before the camera took the shot.

In another picture, they had gone shopping and Clarice had dragged Shay into one of those three-minute four poses photo booths. It was so spontaneous, that Shay couldn't help but fall in love with her even more. The first pose they were both smiling. The second one, they had both given each other bunny ears. The third pose they had made the most ridiculous faces, and the fourth, which was Shay's favourite, was of them kissing.

The last picture Shay looked at was of them at the annual barbeque. It was the three-legged race, and they had just beaten Otis and Cruz for first place champions. That day was one of the best days of Shay's life because everyone got to see the side of Clarice that she always got to.

She put the photos down. She hadn't looked at them, or this box in over a year, and with good reason. All her memories with Clare were in this box and she couldn't let them go.

Before she closed the box again, she took out another, smaller, blue box and opened it. Inside was a heart-shaped cut engagement ring, one that Clarice had mentioned seeing and liking, so Shay had saved up all her money in order to buy it. She was going to propose, but Clarice had broken up with her before she had the chance.

Shay had never told anyone about this. This was her secret alone. This was also her reason as to why it was so hard to let go of Clarice, because she never wanted to let go of her in the first place. She was the one she wanted to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

Shay placed the contents, as well as Clarice's number back into the box and closed it shut, possibly forever.


End file.
